I’m afraid

I hope my blog isn’t one of those blogs where my life always comes off as happy and perfect. Cause it isn’t. At all. I have days where I feel really sad or stressed. (Just yesterday I was CRYING over homework for no reason-now that I think of it, it was quite funny). I hate to whine and complain, so I suppose that is why I don’t admit things all the time. But today I will.

I’m afraid to race. (I just typed that and felt so silly.)

I haven’t ran a running race since June 4th.

The race was a hilly 5 miler. I got a time of 35:00 (7:00 minute pace on the dot). I was sore immediately after the race because I know I went too hard.

Ever since that race I have had problems with my knee.

Now i’m afraid to race because I don’t want to feel pain in my knee anymore.

BLEH!

I should remind myself how much fun I have had racing this past year. Commence photo time.

A local 5k in May.

A cold 10k in April.

My 2nd half marathon. (In March)

A costume race in October. (I was batman)

Pittsburgh Pirates 5k in early April.

I guess I am putting too much stress on myself to run great races every single race. When I look at these pictures I can see how happy I was and I didn’t run perfectly in every race but I had fun.

I’m thinking about doing a costume race the day before Halloween (the same one as last year!). This should give me enough time to become confident in my running.

I hate complaining and admitting i’m afraid to run a race when my own grandfather was just diagnosed with bone cancer. But everyone struggles with different battles and mine is always fear. 

*****

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

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19 comments

  1. i can definitely relate allie, and so can my husband. Take it one day at a time. Heal that soul and ask GOd to show you where your heart is in racing. He’ll be there!

  2. You aren’t complaining at all girl, you are being honest! Sometimes honesty equals sharing our fears, and right now it sounds like you’re just scared. Owning it instead of running from it (no pun intended, I promise!) or denying it is the first step in conquering.

    I think facing your fear has less to do with whether or not you decide to race, but you being okay with whether or not you decide to race. Does that make sense? Have faith in yourself girl. The strongest people in the world are the ones who learn to manage their fear, and the weakest are the ones who believe they aren’t afraid. You are strong!

  3. I think it’s great you can be so honest with yourself! That my friend is true strength. And don’t worry bout a thing girl, everyone deals with fear of failure. Heck I even dealt with it today with my chem homework. Ultimately, I think we just have to remember that God is our strength and our rock, we just gotta give it all to Him 🙂
    Look at all of the wonderful races you’ve run and conquered, you have a gift! You’re an amazing gal inside and out, I know you’ll be able to tackle this bump in the road with God’s helping hand! 🙂

  4. You’re not complaining at all! This is just how life goes, I know sometimes I don’t like to write about the dark side of things either.

    I would say to do the costume race… just do some for fun. Especially things like that or a fundraiser type race. Those usually have a ton of walkers and no one is there to win but to raise money for someone. So the pressure is off. Since you’re not running at Seton, you don’t have anyone to answer to but yourself. You don’t have to run a certain time or feel pressured to hit a certain distance, etc. You can do it for the enjoyment of just running.

    As far as the knee goes… my goal is to run for my whole life. A lady I work with is 60 and ran a 5K on Saturday with us and finished it in 33 minutes. She just started running 9-10 weeks ago with C25K. It puts things into perspective that I don’t have to go balls-to-the-walls or feel bad if I don’t race or miss a few days of running, I have my whole life to do it but I also want to have good enough body to be able to do it my whole life… if that makes any sense :).

  5. You are NOT complaining…you are BEING REAL. Which I think we need more of in blogland and in the world in general…especially among females! 🙂 You’ve gotten some awesome advice here so I won’t add any especially since I don’t run. Ha! ❤ Lots of love girl.

  6. I felt the same way you did before my first race…but it was a really hard course, so I tried to focus on just finishing. And I did! Some people can’t even walk, so I consider my finishing a race, even if I don’t do as well as I’d have liked, at praise God because I CAN run! I also believe that if you tried your hardest in that moment, that is all that matters 🙂

  7. It’s so easy to put too much pressure on ourselves for racing! I did the NYC Tri last month, and beat the time I was hoping for by almost 12 minutes…so now I’m stressing about next year’s race already, because if I don’t beat THIS year’s time, I’ll be really disappointed in myself.

    Don’t feel bad for being afraid. Admitting your fears is the first step to conquering them. 🙂

  8. Isaiah 40:31 is a great one too. But as i was reading your post i thought of myself a little. i get so hung up on the fact that I’m not at the pace i was at last year and that im so muchslower than before, but then i try to remember how grateful i am to be ALIVE and to be running at all so i make that voice in my head shut up haha

    also, i know this is dumb but i was looking at the fitness magazine womens half photos from 201 (on their facebook page) and seeing how HAPPY these women were and how big their smiles was inspired me to want to run for ME not for a time, not for anything but FUN and the love that i have to running! i think because of our young age and competitive nature we get too caught up in winning and times and forget about the passion behind it!

  9. Hi! I am sorry about your grandfather 😦 Don´t be affraid to be sad or to complain about anything. No one´s life is perfect and it is just not alright to pretend that it is. Everyone has their´s ups and downs. SOmetimes we become scared of things we used to enjoy, just because we suddenly think we aren´t perfect or worth enjoying it. But we are!

  10. Fear not! Possibly the two best words in the Bible.

    A costume race should help take some pressure off. I don’t think there is as much performance pressure when you sport a Gorilla outfit! I would like to see that. 🙂 I was very nervous for this race. I never get sick, but my nerves seem to be getting worse with each race. I just try to remember the “fear not”s.

  11. I think every single runner has some sort of “expectation” in their head of how they should perform in every single race. And every race should be good.

    I tanked in a marathon and was so bummed out about it…but in the end after thinking about it, I JUST RAN 26.2 MILES. Something some people will never do in their entire life. And so far, I’ve done it three times! It’s just silly to believe that every single race will be perfect when sometimes it’s more important to think about the experience and whether or not we enjoyed it, while doing it.

    Alexis (my sister) wants to sign up for a costume 5k/10k near Halloween too! We’re creating costumes, and I will probably be a pirate! ARGGH! 🙂

  12. So sorry about your grandfather! And we all deal with fear in one way or another, all you can do is face it! I think the costume race sounds perfect–since it’s obviously a sillier race and doing well matters even less if you’re running around dressed up as something else 🙂

  13. I hear you Allie, I’ve been there and am so happy that you are seeing whats happening (always pushing to have each race be great). For me it wasn’t racing but same concept. Anyways, just listen to your body and mind – try to have fun with it because after all if your not having fun and enjoying the race than what really is the point of running it. I mean sure yes to make personal records but in order to beat a pr (in my opinion) we have to enjoy what we are doing and keep enjoying it in order to keep on pushing and throwing new challeneges in front of us. Smile and carry on my dear ♥ As far as that halloween race goes, totally sign up… your gonna kill it, as always 🙂

  14. I’m so sorry about your grandpa…take those verses to heart every single day and God will use them to change your perspective! And get out there and race girl..you’re an awesome runner and even if you don’t run a race perfectly it will be WORTH the effort!

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