Learning to trust

I love to write in my journal. I’m pretty sure I’ve kept a journal since I could hold a pencil in my hand. I’ve even posted a picture of the entry I wrote after the first time I hung out with Jimmy. I have a collection of colored and patterned notebooks that are filled with notes from when I’m meditating on scripture, drawings in the margins, stickers, pictures, and thoughts on what was going on in my life at the time.

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Sometimes, when I’m feeling reflective, I’ll pull out an old journal and flip through it. Occasionally, I’ll find one of my well-loved and tattered journals with the same month or date, and I’ll read up on what I was doing one, two, or seven years ago this month. It’s kind of astonishing how much I forget.

As I was digging through old journals last week, I stumbled upon one from last year. It dredged up a lot of emotions. As I flipped through the pages, I could tell I was feeling completely overwhelmed with school, wedding planning, house hunting, premarital counseling, working, and editing the school paper. I was also excited for the future, but mostly I wrote down a lot of scripture about guidance, such as these verses from Psalm 25.

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I think the toughest challenge for me at this time last year was simply trusting God with the future. It scared me that I didn’t know where I would be living in a few months, what I would be doing for a living, and what my life would be like. Jimmy and I really struggled through house hunting because we had to decide whether or not we wanted to live on “his” side of Pittsburgh or “my” side of Pittsburgh.

We looked at countless duplexes, houses, and apartments. We looked in “his” area and “my” area, but nothing really panned out, and our wedding was getting closer and closer. Once I resigned myself to the fact that we were probably going to live with Jimmy’s dad until we could find a place of our own, we found a house. We closed on it just two days before our wedding, but it felt so incredible to know that we would have a place to call our own as a married couple.

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While our house may not be considered the biggest or nicest house, it’s the biggest and nicest house to us, because it’s the home God has blessed us with. Since we’ve moved in, we’ve had friends and family over for meals, we’ve worked on projects, prayed, and spent time relaxing together in our humble abode. I feel insanely blessed that we have running water, heat, food in our cupboards, electricity, and love. Lots of love within our walls! I hope to never take the “simple” things in life for granted. Ever.

It’s hard to think that a year ago today, I was stressed out about where we would live. I was worried that God wouldn’t provide for us. I didn’t trust Him with all of my heart as I should have. Though I didn’t show confidence in God’s ability to provide, He did just that. In fact, He went above and beyond… you know, as God is known to do πŸ˜‰

I could never have imagined how completely happy I could be exactly where I am at this very moment.Β To tell you the truth, I hadn’t even been to the town we now live in until we bought our house. I couldn’t have pointed it out on a map, and yet it feels like it was made for us. We adore our home, neighbors, and neighborhood. I can’t even explain how many times I have thought this is exactly where I am supposed to be and I’m so insanely happy about it. I feel blessed, and guilty at the same time. Guilty that I didn’t trust God when I know that He has always worked things out in my life. Always.

I know that sometimes you just learn as you experience things. You hold those learning experiences in your heart and mind. You share them with others, and you remember them so that whenever you have even a sliver of doubt in your mind, you remember how much God loves you and how He takes care of you. How He always has and always will. You hope that you’ll remember the many ways He’s provided and blessed you, and that you’ll learn to trust Him with everything in your life.

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16 comments

  1. Wow this is such an emotional reflection. I have actually never re-read any of my journals because they are composed of random lists, bent up emotions, situations I find funny or goals I know I’ll be more likely to follow through with if I write them down. I recently started a “Grateful Journal” in which I try to write five things I am grateful for each time I write. Occasionally I have gone back and remembered great days, or people who I was thankful for and it made me really happy. I’m so glad God has blessed you with a safe home, lovely husband and wonderful life!

  2. I was so nervous about moving to Charleston a few years ago. It’s hard to believe I’ve been here almost 3 years, but then it’s also hard to believe I’ve *only* been here 3 years. I was nervous about moving here and then nervous a year later about buying a home. Ours isn’t the biggest and best either, but it’s ours and that’s what makes us happy.

    I think you have to go through big changes and life events to grow and get that confidence and sense of trust. I had a lot of trouble thinking about the big picture and trusting when I was younger, you haven’t been through as many trials. Now I can look back and see where I worried about things, but it all worked out- and when you’re super young you just don’t have that experience.

  3. I think it’s so essential to take a minute and look back at where you have been, and the things you have experienced. In terms of struggle and trusting yourself I think life presents these two as one large circle. By that I mean we will always face things that require us to give trust in our abilities and things may be really difficult at times. It usually a different thing (finding a house, job, moving, going to grad. school, ect.) but the emotional side is almost identical each time. It’s not knowing. BUT that’s life. Life isn’t guaranteed, nor a constant. It’s fluid. It’s open to change and modifications, always. I think accepting that in and of itself if one of the hardest things because most of us (I know I do) want control. But fluidity isn’t control.

    I’m happy to hear that you are happy. That is what is most important πŸ™‚

  4. What a heartfelt reflection! I think that even though it may not feel like it, you did trust. You focused on scripture, you kept your eyes open for God’s path, and you followed it! I think that trust doesn’t mean you have no fear or concern or anxiety…it means that you fight through those emotions.

    So happy that you are so happy. πŸ™‚

  5. I wish I kept a journal…I did for a while and loved going back and reading it! I think I am gonna have to start doing it again! I always loved finding a really cute journal!

  6. I have kept a lot of my journals over the years, and I love looking back at them from time to time. It’s interesting to see what my priorities were like at different stages in my life—especially in middle and high school! They’ve also been an archive for my highest highs and lowest lows.

    This post has reminded me to journal more…it’s be a while πŸ™‚

  7. I’m so glad you have fallen in love with this place you live! Christopher and I always think fondly about our first home as a married couple. Despite the fact that it was only 400 square feet and had pink cinderblock walls… ah, the memories. πŸ˜‰ It’s so good to love where you are, though!

    Also, I have been journaling since I was 8. I still have all my journals and like you sometimes I pull out old ones and go to today’s date from several years ago… and it’s so fun! It’s crazy how much things change over time. And I love seeing all the answered prayers. πŸ™‚

  8. This was so beautiful!
    I love looking back on old journals as well and remembering how God brought me through tough moments.
    And there’s nothing more beautiful than your first home with your hubby. πŸ™‚ Nate and I lived in a very humble apartment, when we first got married… and I still look back on it with such a fondness. It was where our lives together started, and I wouldn’t have traded it for the richest of castles! πŸ™‚

  9. Love it! I also have kept a journal since I can remember…maybe like 5 or 6 was when I started? So funny to go back and read stuff, but it’s such a testament of the Lord’s faithfulness and goodness to us! I can totally relate to how you were feeling thoughβ€”we were house hunting, wedding planning and my husband had just been laid off. We were able to find a house a month before the wedding and Scott got a new job 3 days before we got married. So relieved…PTL! πŸ™‚

  10. Trust is such a pivotal word for me. When I get anxious, it’s because I lack trust – in myself, God, life…I needed to read this. Just as a reminder and also as an encouraging message to see that I’m not alone. We all struggle with trusting God and ourselves. But we do pull it together, work hard at it, and then can look back and realize what you just wrote about! Thank little sis πŸ˜‰

  11. closing on a house two days before your wedding? oh goodness, that sounds all kinds of stressful. we moved to minneapolis from wisconsin 1 day after our wedding, and i remember that being kinda of a whirlwind, but we were just getting into a rental property. we still haven’t started the true housing hunt, but we’ve had a bit of time living here now to think about how/when we want to do it. also, can i just say i admire your attitude about the whole situation? how you point out the house may not be the nicest, but it’s the best for you because it’s the one God blessed you with? such a beautiful thought, and so so true – always important to count our blessings and be appreciative of the spaces that we call home ❀

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